Monday, December 29, 2008

An Island Vlog

yeah I'm rambling but go with it

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I Am On You Tube Again

Another great shot if I do say so myself

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I Remember Things Or I Am A Horible Brother You Decide

It was about 4 months before Mom died.
I was on one of my many weekend jaunts down to Texas to spend time with Mom because none of us know how much time we have left.

I got in my rent a car and headed out of the airport and was going to meet my sister at a Chile's off of FM 1960 as this was on my way (albeit in a round about way) to 290 to get up to Brenham.

So there I am sucking on a very bad margarita and my sister shows up.

And we start talking about Mom and her condition and hospice and everything else.

Now at this point, while I knew in the back of my mind that I would one day get "the call" up here in Maryland I still held out hope Ma had more time. And she did about 4 months.

But as my sister and I were talking she looked me in the eye and said very matter of factly "Steven our mother is going to die.

As I thought about what she had said I became mad. And thought bad things about my sister. Why could she not think like me?

Hey ya never know? Maybe she's drinking some of that magic water that Madonna is hawking that will cure her? Anything's possible.

It wasn't until the night of my mother's death when I saw my sister with our mother that I realized that was how she protected herself.

She didn't want Mother to die but she had accepted it and when it happened that's when everything came crashing through for her.

So fast forward to today or really this weekend.

My sister was really tired. Having not been around her a lot as she tries to kick cancer's ass I was not sure if this was normal or not and just accepted it as the way it was.

So tonight my sister is in the hospital waiting for surgery tomorrow to have a stint put in her leg because of a blood clot.

This in and of itself did not alarm me yesterday.

I called her today and she told me she also had two pints of blood in a transfusion because her blood was low.

And I flashed back to Chili's and substituted the "Mom" with "Sister".

And I don't want to type or speak or acknowledge what comes next.

At some point I'm going to have to.

But for tonight it was enough to crank up the CD player in the car in hopes it would push it back in my brain a little more.

Monday, December 8, 2008

A Few Good Thoughts Are Welcome

Michele is in the hospital tonight.
They found a blood clot in her leg when she had her MRI last week.
They will put a stint in her vein tomorrow.

Overall she seemed good this weekend just tired.

But I got to hug my sister goodnight and tell her I love her as she went to bed so what more do I want from a weekend trip?

Not a thing.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Resentment

I'm glad it's going to work out, and that my kids are going to see their grandparents and my parents are going to see their grandkids, even if not in the way we thought and not for the actual holidays.

I'm even perfectly fine with taking the trip without the kids - assuming I do get to take the trip, which is the assumption I'm working on right now.

But you know what? Even though I do understand where it comes from, I'm a little upset at being preemptively accused of international parental kidnapping, you know?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Forgot The First Rule Of Bar Dating

Shouldn't spend one weekend kissing one person and then a month later sleeping with another

It gets messy.

I may have to find a new bar

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I Need To Find The Dried Monkey Head...

that will allow me to align the second set of stone circles and get the third artifact of Thor.

Does that sound unreasonable?

I don't think so.

But then again I'm inapt LOL

(Bob I didn't start the war BTW LOL)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

How The Hell Did This Happen?

I have 55 friends on facebook?

I'm not sure I even remember that many people lol

Monday, December 1, 2008

Lessons in Bad Parenting 7: Inducing Shame

Copy of e-mail to Damien's teacher today:

Damien's Lack of $ today

Dear Mrs. Damien's-Teacher,


I wanted to explain why Damien didn't have lunch money today. His dad and I gave him enough for breakfast and lunch for the day this morning. He is forever being told to put his money in his pocket when we give it to him. He did not do so this morning and left it on the couch.

When we got to school, he demanded that I go home to get it for him. When I explained that I was already late for work and could not go back to the house, he threw his backpack to the ground, kicked it across the parking lot and started to scream at me.

That more or less guaranteed that the sun would rise in the west and devils would ice skate before he got that money.

And that is why Damien did not have money for lunch or breakfast this morning.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Me
It's a good thing I didn't have children so I could have someone to love me. Heh.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

This Is Why I Went There Friday

I trusted her.

And while I may have to stop at the gas station and buy whatever the fake sex pills they sell she wants to, once again, see me in the same conditions we were on Friday before I leave for Texas.

The living room is now filled with the smoke coming out of my ears from over thinking this one.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Maybe It's Just Me

and this may be a good idea for a product but to me they all look like they belong to some strange cult wearing these things

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I Am Thankful

for all of you

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Today in Psychic Children

R: Mommy, when are you going back to the other house?
Me: Well, whenever you need to be dropped off or picked up, I go there.
R: No, I mean, to live?
Me: I'm not going to.
J: Not ever?
Me: No.

...Followed by about 30 seconds of silence and then random, mostly cheerful conversations about math and science.

Updated

Showing me her art projects not an hour later:

J: And this is where you can put your ring!
Me: ...I don't have a ring.
J: *Examines my hands* Where is it?
Me: Remember, I put it in the quilt?
R: And it got lost?
(They didn't know about that)
Me: Yes, someone cut the quilt and took it.
R: Why?
Me: I guess they thought they needed a ring more than I needed my art. But then Papi gave me his ring, which was very nice of him.
J: Can I see it?

Lessons in Bad Parenting: Lesson 6

We'll call this one "Kids are really freaking stupid." I would like suggestions as to an alternate name for The Boy in light of yesterday's events. I like the way that DCup changes the name of her youngest Spawn depending on behavior--from Cupcake to Resident Evil. I want something along those lines.

The Boy plays all the time, every chance he gets, with the boy down the street. His name is Cesar and I've mentioned him before. Cesar lives exactly three doors down from us on our side of the street. So, we don't really worry about The Boy heading on down there on his own. As a matter of fact, The Boy has very definite limits to his ability to roam. He's allowed exactly from one speed bump just the south of our house to the speed bump just north of our house. That's the extent of his free area all of which is easily within eye shot of our front porch. See below:
Yesterday, The Boy went out at about 3:30 or so to go play with Cesar. At 4:00, Cesar had to leave to go somewhere with his family. Instead of coming home, as he should have and has been instructed to so very many times, The Boy decided to go on an adventure. He turned right out of Cesar's driveway and headed to Charlie Taylor Rec Center.

It took him half an hour to walk from where he was supposed to be all the way over there, through 3 major busy streets, a creek and open storm drain not to mention past the several houses with registered sex offenders. Then, there's all the unregistered ones, of course. And the one's driving cars down the road and...yeah, I don't even want to think about it. He could've been hit by a car, fallen down the creek bed or storm drain, broken a leg, picked off by someone, or one of a thousand other things and Keith and I would've had no idea where to even begin looking for him because, as we would have told ourselves, "Surely he wouldn't go THIS far away."

It just so happens that Keith is friends with one of the guys who works at the rec center and he was working yesterday. Unfortunately, Keith left his phone in the van so he didn't get the three (3) messages left for us telling us that The Boy was all the way up at there. The Boy got there at 4:30pm and the rec center closes at 5pm on Saturdays. The Boy did not make it any easier by telling everyone that he a) had been dropped off by his grandmother (who is rather unhappy to have been pulled into this whole thing) b) didn't know anyone's phone numbers and c) didn't know how to get home. See, he didn't want to go home. He wanted to stay and play on the PS2 at the rec center, the little shit. Keith's friend was left with no choice but to call the police and have The Boy brought home that way.

And so that is how my son was brought home by the police at the age of seven years old.

We were clueless that he was anywhere else but at Cesar's this entire time--all of an hour and a half. It's not unusual for him to play at Cesar's all day or for the two or three of them (Enrique plays with them, too) to be in and out of all three houses all day long.

And not only did he put himself in danger with doing this, he compounded it by lying about how he got there, dragging in his grandmother who is his staunchest ally and guaranteeing that his Christmas is going to suck royally.

I hope kids aren't like plants and need sunlight to survive because this child isn't going to see daylight until he's 18.

We are now awaiting the inevitable visit to our home by CPS. The cops were cool but I don't know what the reporting criteria is in this state. /sigh/

And my parents aren't entirely blameless, as they cursed me with having children who act just like me. I used to wander even further away from home when I was his age. So I understand the desire but still want to kill him. If I had known 20 years ago how much fun and joy parenthood would be, I'd've had a hysterectomy.

Shorter Joe Liebermann

on Meet the Press right now

"Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. This is supposed to be a 'appy occasion"

*sigh*

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Closure

It's that conversation, six months later, that goes,
Maybe I shouldn't have answered
And
Maybe I shouldn't have asked
And
Do you want to make the call, or should I?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Screw the Football Game

Just talked with Michele and she sounded great! She will be off treatment after next week.
She even offered to pick me up at the airport.

I know she has a long road ahead but when you get that moment when you are just alking and nothing is wring its great

GO MICHELE nfl who cares? :)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Does This Thing Work?

I hate the Borg

I'm on YOU TUBE AGAIN

this shot netted me 6 bucks!

Monday, November 10, 2008

So I Got This Cat On My Lap





I've had the conversation with her she won't like that first trip to the vets. I've opened the door twice and she has walked outside and came back in.

I may have a cat.

Ceiling Cat help both of us.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Screw The Election

Michele gets a two week reprieve from Chemo treatments.

As much as I want to wake up with Barry X as Prez I'll take my sister getting a little better any day.

I know it is selfish but I muted the talking heads and talked with Michele for almost an hour and it was even better than McCain just coming out and conceding.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Dinner is Prepared!

(And we helped! Are we having Meatloaf?)

Jen and Bob said we had to take pictures Sunday. Does this count?


This is me after a few Jameson's.























Here's Keith after a horrible accident in the kitchen. The brisket was unharmed.














This is Pidomon, after the Cowboys won but so did everyone else who the Cowboys needed to lose in order to up their rankings.


















No, huh? Well, okay fine then. Here ya go:







We call this proof that Pido is actually an angel despite the cigarette and Budweiser. See the heavenly glow? There you go, proof of the Cowboy Angel.







And this is the two of us with the camera ham in the background. The Boy talked poor Pidomon's ear off, The Girl plugged herself into the computer and the grown ups had a few beers, watched the Cowboys win a game for a change and all of us ate some of Keith's brisket & biscuits and SOME of us had the potatoes, broccoli and cheese, California veggies and corn on the cob. SOME of us had only the brown/beige portions of the meal. ;)

It was great fun to have Pidomon over and I hope my children didn't scare him from coming back again.

(x-posted @ SNC)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

If I Am The Grown Up My Family May Be In Trouble!

Actually that is kind of a joke.

Sheri called me tonight. Michele had a bad day. Not a near death she will be dead soon day just a bad day. Tried to eat a banana and coud not keep it down after a long day at the hospital.

And Michele will have more bad days. I hope for more good than bad but after a year plus of having the equivalent of the Chernobyl meltdown forced into her body guess what? It ain't easy for her.

There are a lot of people in this world dealing with gradations of cancer and how it impacts the person who actually has the disease and how it impacts their family. I'm not alone. And that makes be both sad and hopeful at the same time.

At the end of today my sister is still alive and I will hold her in my heart this evening and when I wake up in the morning and repeat that cycle.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm Glad I Don't Live in

Sean Hannitys America.

Because that's one scary place

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Another Story Of Early Childhood

(It seemed so popular on the last post)

My dog Meggie would follow me every morning to the corner where the bus would pick me up and would be there waiting for me every afternoon when I came home.

She was really Dad's dog but for some reason took a liking to me.

And she was smart but unfortunately for her I was a little behind.

Back in the middle 1960's we had screen doors. Occasionally at dinner Meggie would be outside while we ate.

When she was we would hear someone politely knock on the screen door.

And I would get up, go to the door, and say "there is no one here" and Meggie would look at me like "HEY IDIOT I loves ya but let me inside!"

And I would walk back to the table leaving Meggie to wonder why she loved me so much

But she never stopped taking me to the bus stop and greeting me when I came home

Monday, September 29, 2008

A Story Of Early Childhood

Michele and Sheri would take turns "protecting" me and terrorizing me (notice terror is not in qoutes lol)

I must preface this post with the following admission: I was not the brightest child in the world. I would like to contribute that to the fact I just wanted to trust everyone but hey the knife wasn't that sharp back in the really young days so maybe it was a combination of stupidity and faith.

Anyhow I was (and still am) a very picker eater.

So we would be at the table for dinner and I would have vegetables I didn't want to eat.

Michele, being the loving sister she is, would whisper in my ear "Pretend to eat the vegetables but put them in your napkin and then go to the bathroom and flush them down the toilet"

I could have been one of those cartoon characters with the huge light bulb above his head. What a great idea. My sister was a genius!1!zomgeleven (even though back then we did not have !1!zomgeleven it still applies)

So I go through with my master plan of faking eating the icky brussell sprouts, excuse myself to go potty, and I'm not 2 steps from the table when Michele screams MOM STEVE IS TRYING TO FLUSH HIS VEGGIES DOWN THE TOILET

And all of a sudden I'm in one of these prison break movies where the person breaking out of jail is caught in the spotlight on the prison wall.

No where to go.

You would think after one occurrence of this I would be onto Michele's new way to torture me. But no this went on for weeks.

And finally the real light bulb went off above my head.

That is until she came up with the idea to feed the veggies to the dog! :)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Couldn't Let ALL Of August Go By

I talked with Michele tonight and it was her off week from the chemo pills.

Understandably she sounds so much better on these weeks.

2 weeks of 8 pills a day and a week off. Repeat.

She thinks they may take some tests after this next round that starts Friday.

But regardless of how many or how few conversations we have left it's always good to talk with Michele

Thursday, July 31, 2008

So I have Some Dust On A Lamp

You wanna make sumin of it? Do YA?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Don't Be Shocked. I Have An Idea

OK y'all can mull this over while I'm greeting the great unwashed masses in San Diego.
In between dealing with people today who just figured out they or I am about to be gone for a week my thoughts went to our blogs.

There are the 5 of us listed as contributors (even though, sadly, it seems Portly has been stuck in the meat world for far too long)

And then I think there a few other people who are in our mutual orbit.
D-Cup
Linda
OuyangDan
Burning Prairie
Brave Sir Robin
And maybe a few more I'm leaving out.

So hows bout a "blog switch day"?

We plan it enough ahead and we all write a post for each others blog.
No we dont give out passwords etc it would be done via email (or I Phone if you have one :)) and on one day we all posts other peoples writing at our places with the usual links etc.

Since we five rule the island we make up the rules, invite who we want and go from there.

Maybe it's a bad idea and it was more ti think about something than comic books and conventions but after a couple fine imported Belgium ales it kind of appeals to me.

What think all of you?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Yep, Pretty Much

Except, well, I'm a dude....




You Act Like You Are 31 Years Old



You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

You're responsible, wise, and have enough experience to understand a lot of the world.

You're at the point in your life where you understand yourself pretty well.

You are figuring out what you want... and how to get it!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Thysysphian Converse

The following is a direct transcript of a "status conversation"* that took place today, over a four hour period, between two supposed grownups.


Bob: Flargle razmitsif!
Jen: Fling waddle clip
Bob: /nods/ Yep, that's it exactly.
Jen: Smashis crawp pru thysysphy
Bob: Razr! Bliff norgush wal pliffy!
Jen: /Fragwess/ Klimpet snaragon twanzy.
Bob: Snaragon flazny? Cojrig mofe labbis.
Jen: Grimplet strabbit foos. Twilup pagglist mar bulidep...
Bob: (Jaznit reebly) Marschk o dlappisney.
Jen: Vlinto sparinad...postrimex exto fin pwaddle. 9.9
Bob: FHF! Nyl priznat wabby. /ghusch/
Jen: Brrcafi > Nucafi? Diyo. Diyo san.
Bob: Diyo san, mrajif.
Jen: Plentif sprawnix zyglio, sprit twiz braddle. Pio blund :)
Bob: Shazliffit. ;)
Jen: Crogimot limbal. Zyble!
Bob: Mallafah!

Hey, we knew what we were saying!


*(if you don't get it, you obviously don't have GMail.)

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I'm Not Worried But Edition......

As I said in my lame post last night I talked with Michele who said she would never go through anything like radiation again.

And we briefly talked about Mom's decision to opt out of chemo. And reminded ourselves that we all supported that decision.

And I did my best to let her know that whatever decision she makes she has the same support from her brother, sister, and father.

And tonight on the way home I cried a bit. (Or a lot depending on how you look at it :))

People die every day in ways that are much more horrific than what my sister is going through.

But in the end what it comes down to is my sister is going to die.

Probably before me, before Dad, before Sheri, before her husband and wonderful kids.

But even if that happens she will always be with us and we will support her and whatever decisions she makes.

It is not me being filled up with radioactive crap and going to the bathroom and throwing up at the same time.

It is not me looking at 2 wonderful children wondering how much longer I have with them.

It is just not me. It may be someday but not right now.

So the living live, the sick try to get better, and I have to, have to believe that the majority, not just in this country, but in the fracking world are all working just a bit harder to make it a better place.

We will never run for Senate or the House or Mayor.

We will never try to persuade people to give us power and trust us with that power.

But what we will do is hold out our hand to that one person who needs it.

And hope that turns into another hand, and another and another.

And if it does not at least we know we held our hand out and will again

That is the strength of the human race.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Friends Helping Friends

This is how we help each other here on the Island. It's how we roll.

Christina: Should I take an $1800 flex medical spending account amount or a $2400 flex medical spending account amount?

it will be spent, have no doubt, so no worries about losing money.

BUT, it means my deduction goes from $150/mo to $200/mo.

Bob: I know nothing of what you speak.

Christina: BUT, it's pre-tax, so I'll actually see probably about $25 less in my paycheck.

Bob: Sounds suspiciously like something that someone with a real job would have. I have no experience in such things.

Christina
: AND, we may have merit raises this year which would pay for that...Okay. I'm going for the $2400. Thanks for talking it over with me Bob.
You are a huge help.

Bob: Any time!

Friends helping friends. That's what it's all about, right? (And yes, we actually discuss riveting things like that and Travian on chat all day long. Welcome to the Island. ;)

By way of...that other 3P0. You know the one.



Which Star Wars Character Are You?

It's a tie!

You are part C-3PO. You are dedicated to others and will do anything for them- even if you don't think they have the best plan. You contain a wealth of information and have a very serious nature. You would jump in front of a speeding truck if it meant protecting someone you cared about from harm. You can take the world a bit too literally, and should probably loosen up just a little! You are a great friend and people know that they can always trust you.

You are part Luke Skywalker. You are adventurous and love to be where the action is. Your curiosity runs wild and you have to seek out the answers to all your questions or else you will not be at peace. People see you as a great leader, although you are uncomfortable with this because you don't see yourself the same way. You just believe in being honest and focusing on the good in the world. You are sweet and lovable and have many friends that would be lost without you.

Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Monday, June 30, 2008

Sunday, June 29, 2008

So we're all playing this game, are we?

Click to view my Personality Profile page
Click here to take the test.


(Warning: It's an irritating test. For each question, you have to pick between two polar opposites, with no middle ground. Fortunately, they ask the same questions in a lot of different ways, so I suppose it evens out a bit.)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

WAKE UP INTERNET!

Bob needs input.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Answering Bob

Click to view my Personality Profile page

This Is Me

Click to view my Personality Profile page

Do you agree?

Take the test HERE!!!

See What I Have To Put Up With?

Exhibit 1: The Girl came home from her second day at work and told us a story. There was a girl that worked with her, we'll call her Quartz. The Girl was warned that Quartz had a really bad attitude on the first day. Second day, The Girl goes to work and Quartz has been called in, an hour and a half late for her shift. Quartz wasn't feeling well. She was pissed that she had been called in to work and so she decided that she wasn't going to work. She left The Girl and one other worker alone on the line for dinner rush. This did not work. The line backed up, people were waiting for 30-45 minutes for their sandwiches and they were getting pissed.

So, The Girl--having never heard the axiom "Discretion is the better part of valor."--stuck her head in the back and told Quartz that they needed help and asked her if she planned on working at all that night. Quartz pitched a fit, cussed The Girl out and then called the manager to whine about how The Girl had cussed her out and /whine/"I don't feel good. I want to go home."/end whine/.

The manager came in, livid, sent Quartz home and yelled at The Girl and the other worker. Eventually, the manager apologized and The Girl explained her side of the story and it seems Quartz is out of a job.

At the end of her story, she said, "I can deal with a bad attitude. I can deal with someone who is loud. But what I can't deal with is someone being lazy. I just can't stand laziness."

Keith and I were dumbfounded and then...we laughed and laughed and laughed...



Exhibit 2: Yesterday, there was a mix-up with The Boy. He went swimming with a family across the street. While he was gone, Keith had to leave to go move his toolbox. He told The Girl that if he wasn't back before The Girl had to go to work, for her to stick her head in at the neighbor's house and let them know that I'd be home shortly and ask if The Boy could stay there. When work time came, The Girl saw that they weren't back yet so she went on to work and didn't say anything to anyone.

When they came home, The Boy said he'd be right back and came to the house. I was about 30 minutes from being home. The house was empty.

So, The Boy did what any kid would do.

He invited all his neighborhood friends into the house and they had a trash-the-place party.



Exhibit 3: About 45 minutes ago as of the writing of this post, Keith had to leave for work. He got dressed and was about to walk out when he said, "I need my belt." He went looking for it. He couldn't find it anywhere. He asked me if I could help him find it. He bent over.

I said, "Sure honey. You're wearing it."

He said, "You're going to blog this, aren't you?"

"You know it."

See what they have to put up with?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Kids Say The Funniest Things

The Boy is supposed to be cleaning his room this morning.

He begins speaking to me about negotiating this deal.

"Mom, can I do half now and half when I get back [from his friend's house]..."

"No."

"MOM! I was talking and you just said 'No' and I was just saying that I could do half now and half later. It's not bad, I just have to put my clothes away..."

"Don't forget the clean clothes you let fall behind your toybox."

"MOM! You did it again! That's why I want to do half now and half later! If I have to do all of it now, it will make it hard to be lazy!!"

/Mom laughs until she chokes/

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Supervillians!

Your results:
You are Catwoman





Catwoman
91%
Apocalypse
91%
Dr. Doom
83%
Magneto
80%
Poison Ivy
78%
Mystique
72%
Lex Luthor
68%
Green Goblin
64%
Dark Phoenix
60%
Mr. Freeze
57%
Juggernaut
56%
The Joker
48%
Kingpin
46%
Two-Face
44%
Venom
42%
Riddler
28%
With a troubled past and an upbringing on the streets you have learned how to fend for yourself through crime.
Click here to take the "Which Super Villain are you?" quiz...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I am Prince Herbert

Your result for The Monty Python Character Test...

Prince Herbert

You scored 70 Stubborn, 39 Crazy, 23 Agressive, and 47 Evil!






Apperance: The Holy Grail.



The lad trying to climb out of the window.



High Light: The rescue of Prince Herbert



Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs them both through. They die, considerably surprised.



Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door.




Guard 1: Hello! Urggh.

Guard 2: *Hic*

Launcelot: Milady, here kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Prince Herbert: You got my note!

Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note...let's not jump to conclusions...

Prince Herbert: I *knew* some one would read it and rescue me! I've got a rope all ready! Let's climb down!

King: What's all this!?! Are you the one who killed all my guests?

Prince Herbert: He's come to rescue me!

King: Shut your noise, you. Well, what about it?

Launcelot: Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit... carried away with the moment...

King: Carried away?!? Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest! Now what sort of behavior is that??? Who are you, anyway?

Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I--
King: King Arthur?? King-of-England Arthur? And you're one of his Knights of the Round Table?

Prince Herbert: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot!

Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss...

King: Fuss? Nonsense!! Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored guest, please! (quietly) Lots of land up by Camelot, eh?

Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people...and kicking the bride...

Prince Herbert: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!

King: Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just come downstairs with me, will you? I want to introduce you to everyone.

Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much...

King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot....

Prince Herbert:(from outside) Are you coming, Sir Launcelot?



Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (thump)



King: (liltingly) Coming, Sir Launcelot...



Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There he is!" and, "He's the one!" and, "Get him!" Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again.



King: Oh, bloody hell.

Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech.


King: Ladies and gentlemen. This man whom you see beside me is my own honored friend, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. He has come all this way just to---

Guest: He killed the bride's father!!

King: Oh, come now! Let's not bicker and argue about 'oo killed 'oo! Sir Lancelot has come to celebrate with me the joyful occasion of my son's marriage to Princess Lucky. Unfortunately, my son Herbert has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower. (gasps) But, I like to think of myself, not as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter. For, since the father of the bride perished in most untimely circumstances....

Voice: He's not quite dead yet....


King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be considered dead...

Voice: I think he's coming 'round!

King: Since her father, who, when it seemed he was just on the verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him...(thump)

Voice: He's kicked off!


King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad. In the firm and legally binding sense. And, as this is meant to be a wedding day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my family, and give him the hand of my new daughter in earnest token of my esteem for him and his title.

Launcelot: Well, really, I must be going, I don't think--

King: Going? Nonsense! Why, how could you leave me at a time like this, so recently bereft of my only son?

Concorde: He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction)


King: Oh, bloody hell.

Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower?

Prince Herbert: Well, I'll tell you...

King: No! Wait! Stop that!

Guests: He's going to tell,

he's going to tell,

he's going to tell,

he's going to tell!

He's going to tell,

he's going to tell,

he's going to tell,

he's going to tell!

Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way.

Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more...

Concorde: Dramatic, sir?

Launcelot: Dramatic! Right! This bell pull will do...

Launcelot: Err...could someone give me a push?

Take The Monty Python Character Test at HelloQuizzy

We Have No Ben

No secret caves, no moving the island. No rabbits occupying the same part od space/time
It's still right here.

OK maybe I'll find myself in the Sahara with a parka on some day but today is not that day.

You know what Ben said? "We all have to go back to the island"

So I'm here where are you?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I Cant Think of a Better Way to End this Weekend

Than watching Return of the Pink Panther on BBC America
"There is only one man who would pull the wrong tooth! Kill Him!"

Love to you all my innertubes family

Friday, May 30, 2008

I'm Missing Battlestat Galactica For This?

Yes I was and Yes I am.

Michele (Sister2) finished up 2 days of a lot of test today. MRIS EMIS CKGS and everything else,

Funny when you have no idea what is going on it's easier to be positive.

"Well we just don't know could be an ingrown toenail"

But as the this week went by and the tests were coming in the back of my brain occasionally I slipped into "WORSE SCENARIO MODE"

Sheri and I being alot alike I figured she was going through this as well.

So we just talked for an hour.

Michele came up and what we will do if it's bad news but mostly we talked about how we are a family and how we will be there for each other regardless if Michele has bad news or I get hit by a bus tomorrow and they have to deal with me being gone.

I know you are probably tired of hearing this but I have a great family which frankly alot of times I'm not sure I deserve.

But we'll pull through whatever happens to any of us.

While part of me is sad and worried another part of me is feeling very grateful at the same time.

So I guess I'll catch up on BSG tomorrow after golf and deal with a brand new day and see what happpens.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Play Time!

Ok the chores are done.
Bills paid, groceries grocered, laundry done and all the other non fun stuff.

Now it's no worries until Tuesday morning.

Gonna spend the rest of the day at the deck bar with friends, got a steak in the fridge to grill out tonight and tomorrow the tee time is at 11:27

I'll be going back to my cardboard box under the overpass of teh innertubes starting tomorrow.

Been a fun week here on teh island.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Phriends...

... are the best thing in the world to have.

Thank you Steve, Christina, PD, Ralph, Jen (especially) and all the rest of you for being mine.

(this post brought to you, in part, by Absolut Vodka - but it's the truth, nonetheless)

In Case You Are Wondering

The movie "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" doesn't get any better just because there is nothing fracking else on TV.

Now you know!

In other words...

Holding Pattern

I'm supposed to be moving in, what? Like 48 hours? And yet there's no point in packing anything. Repeatedly carrying things to the car till it's full and driving down to the apartment on the appointed day(s) makes more sense than putting stuff in big square boxes that won't fit in the back seat. And which I don't have anyway. The boxes, I mean.

I don't even know for sure when it'll be, since my plans say "Monday" but my future landlady kind of needs to call me back and say when she'll be available for general contract-signing and deposit-paying and key-presenting before I can really be sure.

So here I sit, making scones and reading Douglas Adams and letting the girls watch all the Muppet videos they want since I can neither think of, nor motivate myself to do, anything more productive than that.

Which I guess makes a kind of sense, but you have to reeeeally want to see it. Rather in the same way that this probably makes sense, should one care to think hard enough about it:

Check your Voice Mail or We'll Call the Cops on You!

My Sister-the-PhD-Student, herein after called STPhDS, lives by herself in Southern Texas. She has very regular habits, some of which are talking to my parents regularly if not daily, obsessively keeping her voice mail cleared and being on the computer.

So, earlier this week, we heard from her on Monday and then...nothing. No word at all. We called and her voice mail was full. We kept calling all Thursday and early Friday and we got nothing. We e-mailed and no response. We really started to get worried.

My dad was planning a trip 4 hrs south to her house to go check on her which I described as moronic when they refused to call the police to do a courtesy check first. I guess they saw it my way and called the police. Seriously, what is white, middle-class privilege for if not to use when you have it?

STPhD lives alone, as I said before, and is about 5'0" tall and 110# if she has rocks in her pocket. (To illustrate, she was THRILLED in 4th grade when she finally topped 50#. No, I'm not kidding. For comparison, The Boy is in the first grade and weighs 62#.) She happens to live in an area of the state that is as red as blood and is not quite the Typical Girl Next Door; instead she seems to be attracted to that type of girl. This worries us greatly. I'd feel so much better if she'd move to Austin, personally but that just isn't possible right now.

The police did a good bit of detective work, following her car registration to her PO box to her new apartment address. They found her car in the parking lot and were checking the VIN number against what we had given them. (My dad sold her the car so that's why we knew that information.)

STPhD, putting down the book that she hadn't been able to put down all week, looked out her window and saw someone messing around her car so she went to grab the baseball bat she keeps next to the door for just such an occasion. (Because a pocket-sized lesbian with a baseball bat is oh so intimidating, you know.) There was a knock on her door and she opened it.

There was a fully uniformed police officer looking down at her.

He said, "Call your mother."

Friday, May 23, 2008

The Best Night of the Year

I was so fortunate to spend time with J and M tonight and their 2 daughters who I call my nieces even though we are not related by family ties.

Katy, the 3 1/2 year old wanted to climb stairs and who am I to refuse her? She is at that great stage where you ask her something and when she answers you have no idea what she is saying so you go "Hmmm Really? That sounds great" and of course she then points at the stairs and she knows what YOU said so there is no backing out.

And then little 4 month old Natalee. She was kinda squirming in Daddy's arms and for some strange reason I offered to hold her (well not a strange reason she is a beautiful and wonderful child)

So I held her and she was a little sleepy but for the first time she put her little head on my shoulder and trusted me. And we walked around a little, I talked to her (sang to her when we were out of earshot of everyone else)and just had a great time.

Yes there was a little drool on my shirt. Yes my arms were a bit tired after holding her for so long.

But even her Mom and Dad said they had never seen her be so calm with someone other than them before.

I can't describe the feeling of knowing this small little person trusted me, she knew she was safe with me and that she had nothing to worry about as long as I held her.

I've gone through this before with my own nieces and nephew but its so nice to feel it again.

I think it's called.......hope and that there is something worth fighting for.

It's Katy and Natalee and everyone else who trusts US who instinctively know we love them.

So I am going to get out of bed tomorrow and keep fighting.

Can we do any less?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

We Need Bleach the Splotchy Virus Wont Go Away

Becca has given me the virus again!

Here are the rules for the virus directly from good ole Splo-krakakow himself!
"ere's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five
participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.

Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.



A begining by Splotchy:
I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words.

Becca adds:
I opened the envelope tearing it from the top and pulled a thick bunch of papers out. The papers looked strange almost as though they were glowing, this caught me by surprise and I dropped the papers. They scattered as they fell a slight breeze blowing them accross my porch. I wanted to turn around go back inside but curiousity got the better of me and I picked them up once again, struggling against another gust of wind to pick the last piece up. When I was finally had all of them I said on a chair and started to read...well I tried to read...they had writing unlike anything I'd seen before, strange undecipherable symbols. I gave it a second try hoping there would be something I would recognize among the pictographs and the paper started to glow again and the more I concentrated on it the stronger the glow became until it was so bright I could barely look at it. I turned away for a moment to sheild my eyes and when I looked back the pictographs had vanished leaving instead English, honest to god, plain as day English... I read the words aloud without even realizing what I was doing...

"You may have already won...won? Won what?" I asked a saucer like shape descended into my front yard.

And now my contribution:

"As I sat there with anticipation of meeting beings from another planet (or maybe another dimension or ZOMG BOTH) I started thinking "What would I say to these marvelous beings who were soon to invade my house?

And it came to me? The most important thing to our Democracy, dare I say it, to the fate of our Mother Earth.

I looked into their 7 eyes (well 6 one eye was on the back of their heads) and proudly exclaimed "Do you think George Bush is a great President or the greatest President EVAH?"

If you want the virus pick it up and run with it.

Strange Family Currents

For some reason Father is driving Sister1 NUTS and I am the appointed relief valve (which I am glad to be)

A little background is in order I guess.

Dad turns 74 on June 4th. And we are lucky he is happy, healthy and doing ok.

Sister1 retired this week (at the age of 52) after working for 28 years for the Texas State School System where she worked her way up to unit director.

A little more background. The Texas State School System ain't really schools. It is a nice metaphor for mental hospital.

The woman is a saint (and some people say growing up with me gave her great training for her line of work)

So anyway Dad is getting older and has a lot of time to worry. Sister1 just wants to spend a month not worrying about anything until she figures out what her next step in life is.

And here I am as non-partisan therapist.

I don't mind the role it's just kinda new.

When I was young I never really thought about me getting older or my siblings, or my parent(s).

And now I'm having discussions with the Sisters about "what happens if?" (and y'all know there are a lot of "ifs" in our family right now)

And that's a good thing. It's just odd as me and the Sisters turn into the Parents and Dad is now the one we talk about thinking about "his future".

I'm lucky we have a strong family and I know we'll make this adjustment as we have all the others it's just kind of a weird feeling.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Frog-ification of the Passat Has Begun!

So I get home from work tonight and the this was in the mail




Once again I'll proudly be able to proclaim my Horned Frog Heritage.

Now once I get my window sticker in the mail I'll be all set!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Random Python Island Video

Amazing you type in Monty Python+Island you come up with a sketch even I had forgotten about!


Monday, May 19, 2008

Thank You

THANK YOU BOB
THANK YOU BFNADC
THANK YOU BRAVE SIR ROBIN
THANK YOU LINDA
THANK YOU FREIDA BEE
THANK YOU OUYANGDAN
THANK YOU TEH PORTLY DYKE
THANK YOU JEN
THANK YOU MOTORCYCLE MAMA CHRISTINA
And thank you to everyone else who stopped by and sent good thoughts.

Sister2 talked with her oncologist today and he was not all ZOMG!11!!eleven10!1!

Does this mean she is out of the woods? No but truth be told she never will be. She'll have a full battery of scans, MRI's and whatever else soon.

But as my wise friend Christina said to me earlier tonight it means we have HOPE

And you my glob friends contributed to that.

If I had anything other than Gnat Piss Budweiser I'd raise my glass to you.

Hell I am doing it anyway.

Thank You so much

Steve

(cross posted at my other cardboard box)

The Island Gets the Splotchy Virus Again

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.

Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours. -Splotchy

I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words. (Splotchy)

Despite the throbbing pain in my knees and the dull ache in my lower back, I bent down slowly and picked up the envelope...

Oh no. It did not say this, did it?

Oh yes, it did. It did.

The handwriting was familiar in a way that inspired a cold sweat and a bout of nausea. It was the penmanship of my former husband. You know - the one that was presumed dead.

He disappeared in a suspicious blogging related accident a number of years ago and was never heard from again. I was devastated. I had hated the blog, loathed the thing. What began as a hobby that took but a few minutes a day had morphed into an addiction, the proportions of which could not be measured. It was pure evil.

The blog turned into a cruel and demanding mistress and her siren song was more than I could compete with. One day he left for an evening event, never to return again.

All fingers pointed to one blogger, but I could never get the charges to stick. That one is slick- slick, slick, slick. He can talk a good game and write like nobody's business. But there is something about him, it just is not right.

So my husband was gone, that other one kept blogging and I had to rebuild my life, which I did.

So I finally had the bastard declared dead.(FranIam)

I took the envelope inside and got out a magnifying glass. I studied the scribblings on the front and made out the words “This is for you. You KNOW why” just above the undead bastard’s name. What the hell?

What could it be? What did he mean, I “KNOW” why? What did I do? I had never been anything but faithful to him and his "interests." I followed his stupid blog as it meandered through the vapid expanses of his small mind, trying my best to be polite when he talked about some comment he’d gotten on a particular post, or a funny link he’d dropped into a post.

Just thinking about it made my stomach hurt.

Despite a fleeting fear that there might be anthrax powder in the envelope, I opened it and pulled out the contents. (dguzman)

A noodle, a meatball and one of the six legs of a squid? (Squid have six legs, not eight, right? Unsure I rushed to my computer to ask The Lord Google. OMG, I was wrong! Squid do have eight legs. And two tentacles. Like cuttlefish. I digress. Damn you Google!)

What was he working on when he had that blogging accident? I thought back to the nights of feverish typing. The nights the keyboard fairly reeked of despair, flopsweat and ricola. He would babble "vision quest" "noodly appendage" "the alpha and the semolina" "green sticky spawn of the stars". This last I just attributed to far too much interest in the pussy photos of Britney Spears.

In shaky handwriting was the couplet:

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange ├Žons even death may die

I felt that I was beginning to understand. He had been killed in an epic battle of Good versus Not-So-Good or even "meh!" (Jess Wundrun)


Shakily, I set the envelope down and wiped my hands on my jeans. I got up immediately and headed for the fridge, from which I pulled a recently-opened carton of the cheapest wine I was able to find last time I went shopping, raised it over my head, tilted my head back, twisted the cap, and greedily gulped down about two liters of forgetfulness.

It didn’t work. Or maybe it did, because when I woke up that evening in a puddle of cheap wine and bitterness, I couldn’t remember how I got there or how I had gotten so desperate in life to be drinking wine from a cardboard box.

Oh yeah, him.

It was dark outside, so nobody noticed when I stumbled into the back yard and peed against a tree.

What? Holy shit! I must have been drinking cheap wine for more than just tonight! I’d completely forgotten I was actually male!

I raced back into the house and found a utility bill amongst the pile of unopened mail on the kitchen counter. Then, I extricated my wallet from a jacket pocket, pulled out my driver’s license and compared the two address. They didn’t match. They weren’t even from the same state! What the…. Who the….

And then it dawned on me. I’d spent so much time recently reading other people’s blogs, I had somehow managed to take on the identity of a female blogger. Cripes. What have I done!?!?!

I looked again at the address on the utility bill. The name read “Michelle Malkin”. And then I looked on the back of the envelope that had been left on the front porch. Rubber-stamped were the words, “From the office of the Democratic National Convention”. Time seemed to suspend itself while I headed back to the fridge, looking for another box of cheap wine. (Commander Other)

Because all I could find in the fridge at this point was a moldy orange and a styrofoam container of questionable leftovers, I decided it might be a good time for me to get the hell out of there. This "Michelle Malkin" might be behind my current identity crisis. I was vaguely starting to realize that I must have been hypnotized. But, why? What in the world would Michelle Malkin want from me? Some visceral image of a diaper and an airport bathroom was starting to come into focus, the discomfort of which made me happy to distract myself with the prospect of... escape?

I had keys in my pocket to a car in the garage that I didn't recognize and I got in the car and drove instinctually toward what appeared to be a down town area. I decided I had to get myself to a hotel room and a location with internet access to find out who this Michelle Malkin was and how the hell I ended up in Dallas, of all places. (Freida Bee)

Instead of a hotel I cut through the fence at Six Flags and slept for the night in the log plume ride. Wet but comfortable. I-30 was a mere moment away and I could change direction and go to Ft. Worth instead and eat BBQ'd cow until the cows came home.

Once in Ft Worth I met up with a Kay Baily Hutchinson outside the the Colonial Golf Course. Boxes of wine were everywhere

She on one side of the fence and me on the other all she would say is "All will be revealed" and then shanked a 3 iron into the rough.

Confused I got back into the car and drove. My destination unknown. (Pidomon)

I found myself on the campus of the University of Texas at Arlington and from the smell of sweat and abject fear, I knew it was Finals Week.

Kay Bailey Hutchinson was there too and drunkenly attempting to hand out flyers to the scurrying, worried looking students. They did not have time for another, as they thought, wingnut religious activist trying to get them to give up their wicked ways and birth control pills.

In a daze at the strangeness of the day, I took a flyer. What the hell, right?

Dear Mr. Cunning Runt:

Thank you for contacting me regarding wage discrimination in the workplace. I welcome your thoughts and comments on this issue.

On May 29, 2007, the United States Supreme Court issued a decision in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. which set a powerful precedent concerning discrimination in the workplace. The Court ruled in favor of Goodyear by a 5 to 4 margin, citing that Ms. Ledbetter had not filed the lawsuit within the required time frame of 180 days following the first instance of wage discrimination. By failing to do so, the Court found Ms. Ledbetter was not eligible to file suit based on gender or race discrimination.

Two bills regarding this issue have recently been introduced in Congress that would broaden the definition of unlawful employment discrimination. H.R. 2831 was introduced in the House of Representatives on June 22, 2007, by Representative George Miller (D-CA), and S. 1843 was introduced in the Senate on July 20, 2007, by Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA). Echoing Ms. Ledbetter’s argument before the Court, these bills provide that if wage discrimination has occurred, it continues every time the affected employee receives a paycheck. As such, passage of these bills would effectively nullify the Supreme Court decision.

I believe all forms of discrimination are wrong and therefore support strong enforcement of our nation’s existing anti-discrimination laws, such as Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the Equal Pay Act, and other federal laws aimed at preventing discrimination and expanding opportunities for all Americans. While both bills have yet to come before the full Senate, please be assured that, if either do, I will take your views into consideration.

I appreciate hearing from you and hope you will not hesitate to keep in touch on any issue of concern to you.

Sincerely,
Kay Bailey Hutchison
United States Senator

284 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
202-224-5922 (tel)
202-224-0776 (fax)
http://hutchison.senate.gov

To signup for Senator Hutchison's weekly e-newsletter, please send your request to newsletter@hutchison.senate.gov.


I couldn't help but wonder if her newsletter was another way of her taking entirely too long to say precisely not a damn thing and why the hell I would want to "signup" for that when I had children I could listen to taking forever to say absolutely nothing.

I have children? I have children! And not one, but more than one, hence the -en ending. Wow! I wondered who they were and where they were at that moment and felt a thread of fear that perhaps they'd been with me when this strangeness had occurred. Did I leave them somewhere? Oh well, I thought. I wished them well and hope they'd made it home okay.

I now tag:

Brave Sir Robin
Cunning Runt
Konagod

You're welcome guys. ::smooches::

Let's Get Sirius

One of the (many) perks of teh new car is it came with a free 3 month trial for Sirius Satellite Radio.

I've never had a CD player in my car much less some fancy schmancy spy satellite broadcasting things into my receiver (unless you count that one time in college)so I signed up tonight and gonna give it a test drive.

If I like I can cancel my subscription to the horrid Baltimore Sun newspaper (which I only get so I have an excuse to stay in bed late on the weekends anyway) and stay revenue even as the last thing I need with an upcoming car payment is yet another bill to pay.

We'll see how it works out.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Splotchy Virus Invades Teh Island

Here's the deal:

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.

Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours. -Splotchy


The most froodleiscious Freida Bee tagged me so here we go:


I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words. (Splotchy)

Despite the throbbing pain in my knees and the dull ache in my lower back, I bent down slowly and picked up the envelope...

Oh no. It did not say this, did it?

Oh yes, it did. It did.

The handwriting was familiar in a way that inspired a cold sweat and a bout of nausea. It was the penmanship of my former husband. You know - the one that was presumed dead.

He disappeared in a suspicious blogging related accident a number of years ago and was never heard from again. I was devastated. I had hated the blog, loathed the thing. What began as a hobby that took but a few minutes a day had morphed into an addiction, the proportions of which could not be measured. It was pure evil.

The blog turned into a cruel and demanding mistress and her siren song was more than I could compete with. One day he left for an evening event, never to return again.

All fingers pointed to one blogger, but I could never get the charges to stick. That one is slick- slick, slick, slick. He can talk a good game and write like nobody's business. But there is something about him, it just is not right.

So my husband was gone, that other one kept blogging and I had to rebuild my life, which I did.

So I finally had the bastard declared dead.(FranIam)

I took the envelope inside and got out a magnifying glass. I studied the scribblings on the front and made out the words “This is for you. You KNOW why” just above the undead bastard’s name. What the hell?

What could it be? What did he mean, I “KNOW” why? What did I do? I had never been anything but faithful to him and his "interests." I followed his stupid blog as it meandered through the vapid expanses of his small mind, trying my best to be polite when he talked about some comment he’d gotten on a particular post, or a funny link he’d dropped into a post.

Just thinking about it made my stomach hurt.

Despite a fleeting fear that there might be anthrax powder in the envelope, I opened it and pulled out the contents. (dguzman)

A noodle, a meatball and one of the six legs of a squid? (Squid have six legs, not eight, right? Unsure I rushed to my computer to ask The Lord Google. OMG, I was wrong! Squid do have eight legs. And two tentacles. Like cuttlefish. I digress. Damn you Google!)

What was he working on when he had that blogging accident? I thought back to the nights of feverish typing. The nights the keyboard fairly reeked of despair, flopsweat and ricola. He would babble "vision quest" "noodly appendage" "the alpha and the semolina" "green sticky spawn of the stars". This last I just attributed to far too much interest in the pussy photos of Britney Spears.

In shaky handwriting was the couplet:

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange ├Žons even death may die

I felt that I was beginning to understand. He had been killed in an epic battle of Good versus Not-So-Good or even "meh!" (Jess Wundrun)


Shakily, I set the envelope down and wiped my hands on my jeans. I got up immediately and headed for the fridge, from which I pulled a recently-opened carton of the cheapest wine I was able to find last time I went shopping, raised it over my head, tilted my head back, twisted the cap, and greedily gulped down about two liters of forgetfulness.

It didn’t work. Or maybe it did, because when I woke up that evening in a puddle of cheap wine and bitterness, I couldn’t remember how I got there or how I had gotten so desperate in life to be drinking wine from a cardboard box.

Oh yeah, him.

It was dark outside, so nobody noticed when I stumbled into the back yard and peed against a tree.

What? Holy shit! I must have been drinking cheap wine for more than just tonight! I’d completely forgotten I was actually male!

I raced back into the house and found a utility bill amongst the pile of unopened mail on the kitchen counter. Then, I extricated my wallet from a jacket pocket, pulled out my driver’s license and compared the two address. They didn’t match. They weren’t even from the same state! What the…. Who the….

And then it dawned on me. I’d spent so much time recently reading other people’s blogs, I had somehow managed to take on the identity of a female blogger. Cripes. What have I done!?!?!

I looked again at the address on the utility bill. The name read “Michelle Malkin”. And then I looked on the back of the envelope that had been left on the front porch. Rubber-stamped were the words, “From the office of the Democratic National Convention”. Time seemed to suspend itself while I headed back to the fridge, looking for another box of cheap wine. (Commander Other)

Because all I could find in the fridge at this point was a moldy orange and a styrofoam container of questionable leftovers, I decided it might be a good time for me to get the hell out of there. This "Michelle Malkin" might be behind my current identity crisis. I was vaguely starting to realize that I must have been hypnotized. But, why? What in the world would Michelle Malkin want from me? Some visceral image of a diaper and an airport bathroom was starting to come into focus, the discomfort of which made me happy to distract myself with the prospect of... escape?

I had keys in my pocket to a car in the garage that I didn't recognize and I got in the car and drove instinctually toward what appeared to be a down town area. I decided I had to get myself to a hotel room and a location with internet access to find out who this Michelle Malkin was and how the hell I ended up in Dallas, of all places. (Freida Bee)

Instead of a hotel I cut through the fence at Six Flags and slept for the night in the log plume ride. Wet but comfortable. I-30 was a mere moment away and I could change direction and go to Ft. Worth instead and eat BBQ'd cow until the cows came home.

Once in Ft Worth I met up with a Kay Baily Hutchinson outside the the Colonial Golf Course. Boxes of wine were everywhere

She on one side of the fence and me on the other all she would say is "All will be revealed" and then shanked a 3 iron into the rough.

Confused I got back into the car and drove. My destination unknown.

I hereby infect the following:

Bob
Christina
and Linda

Mental Health Day

The most ambitious of my plans today is balancing my checkbook.

Other than that if teh rain stays away I will probably hang at the deck bar this afternoon thinking about nothing and doing even less.

Gonna hang out here this week. Somehow right now being on an island seems like a good idea.

Hope everyone has a good Sunday.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Saturday December 28th

I was going to write about my first trip to a *GASP* gay bar tonight and was unsure if I would be boring you yet again with that story (bottom line I was insulted,INSULTED I say, no one asked me to dance)

Unsure if I had typed poorly about this before I started scanning all the posts here and went all the way back to the beginning.

I wish I would have saved Jen and Bob's email explaining how I could possibly be posting on 2 blogs.

There was Portly's first post. Christina's very valuable lessons in Bad Parenting.

And even an occasional post by Dutch the Lucky Monkey.

The Island is a great place to be.

So glad Bob decided to create our little island hideaway.

If you have some time I recommend scanning the older posts. It's a nice trip down memory lane and a great sign of things to come for all of us.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Dont Want To Go To Sleep

because when I wake up tomorrow it will be Mother's Day.

And I won't go into a long drawn out diatribe but what I really want to say is this.

Thank you to my friends here who have given me an outlet for talking about Ma, put up with me when I babbled drunkenly on about her and how much I miss her and most importantly have had my back when i've been emotionally not as strong as I should have been.

Love You All

Beasie

Thursday, May 8, 2008

A Mom Chats With Her Son

2:11 PM me: Hi, Buddy!
The Boy: hi
me: I got an e-mail from [The Boy's teacher].
2:12 PM He says, "Tell him to feel better soon."
2:16 PM The Boy: i will talk to you later
me: Why?!? Don't you want to talk to your mama?
2:17 PM The Boy: yes.
me: Yes, what?
2:19 PM The Boy: yes i do.
me: What is on the TV?
2:21 PM The Boy: jonny test.
2:22 PM me: Is it good?
2:23 PM The Boy: yes.
me: What is next?
2:27 PM The Boy: i am playng a game.
2:28 PM me: What game?
2:31 PM The Boy: a ninja game.
2:32 PM me: Cool!
Are you winning?

12 minutes
2:45 PM The Boy: can you stop texing me.
me: Yes.
2:49 PM The Boy: thak you.

Pido Command Central


Yes THIS is where the magic takes place every night.
Impressive aint it?
Still wondering how I could afford TWO TV trays but I sacrifice for the innertubes. I really do

Sunday, May 4, 2008

My Groove Back? Maybe

I think I have mentioned before (and yes a real blogger would insert a link here)that growing up in the stone age before I-Pods, HDTV, cars that were rolling entertainment centers and if you wanted to change the channel in the teevee you got up off your ass and turned a /wait for it/......a DIAL ZOMG


And in this prehistoric time we rotated grilling out on the weekends at each other's houses.
And this "grilled" into me (man I make myself laugh sometimes)that when you had a place to call home it wasn't home until you had a real grill.

AND knew how to cook on it.

Lots of years and state and city regulations later after my first grill (long story involving Jessica, Houston and all that that I don't feel like getting into) when I bought my cardboard box that I now own the first thing I bought was a grill.

And then ignored it.

Something has changed lately. I'm getting back to cooking out.

Just a burger or hot dog or some chicken. Nothing much.

But maybe it is a start to getting someplace I need to get back to.

And you know what? It hasn't been the worse food I've ever grilled!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Update on Mean Mom

Monday: Shirt and pants, no shoes, hair and teeth a mess, no breakfast.

Tuesday: Shirt pants, shoes and socks, hair and teeth a mess, no breakfast.

Wednesday: Completely dressed, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, hair looking like Jen's bird nest.

Thursday: Completely dressed, cleaned up, no breakfast.

Friday: Completely dressed, cleaned up and breakfast eaten. Mom running late.

/sigh/

This Is One of Our Future Leaders

The Girl had a parade to be in today for Cinco de Mayo, so she had the Probe. She drove it to the high school and parked it in the band parking lot. Remember, she was at the high school. This will be important later.

We had to turn in the rental today. When she was done at the parade, she had to come and pick us up. So the following conversation took place.


Me: Girl, come pick us up at Enterprise Rentals. It's at GP Ford.

Girl: I don't know where it is.

Me: Okay, you take High School Dr. to Beltline and take a left. You got that? You know where Beltline is?

Girl: I think so. But...I'm still trying to figure out where High School Dr. is.

I literally took the phone from my ear and stared at it for a minute, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

LOST Closed Thread

ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!eleven!QWSW@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I Dont Like Growing Up

That is all

Friday, April 25, 2008

Update: Lesson #5 in Bad Parenting (Mean Mom Edition)

The Boy refuses to get ready in the morning. All he has to do is brush his hair and teeth, eat a bowl of cereal and get dressed. I wake him at 6:30AM to do these things. I need to leave at 7:30AM to be on time for work. Well, he's made me late every.single.day. I haven't been able to get to work before 8:10AM in I don't know how long. Sometimes, I've been as late as 9AM.

Yesterday, I broke. I'd had it. I had been yelling and fussing at the child all morning until my throat was hoarse and I didn't get to work until 8:30AM. That was the limit, y'all. The Limit.

I went home last night and told him that we would be leaving from now on at 7:30AM and he would go to school in whatever state he happened to be in--pajamas, half-dressed, I didn't care.

He didn't think I was serious.

This morning, I got him up at 6:30AM, as usual. I reminded him of the new rule. Then, I got ready. I did not holler, fuss or fight with the child.

At 7:30AM, I put him under my arm, carried him to the car, took him to school and put him out on the sidewalk with, "I love you. Have a great day, son." I got to work on time for the first time in weeks.

He stood on the sidewalk, in a bit of shock, with messed up hair, dragon breath, no shirt and no shoes.



(I put a shirt, shoes, toothbrush, toothpaste and a hairbrush in his backpack. I'm not THAT mean, people. He's just lucky he had on underwear and pants, that's all I'm saying.)




UPDATE: Everyone laughed at him (and me). He's mad at me but he tells me that he'll be ready at 7:30AM Monday morning. I'll update again then. But other things got in the way.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I Think Something Is Wrong With Me

Three nights in a row I've actually come home and made dinner
Granted not three course meals but also not "Look POP-TARTS" or not eating and waking up at 3 looking for Frito Corn Chips.

I'm worried

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Revelations for Secretaries Day

I caught myself typing the following sentence,without irony:

I’ve written your CPT letter and left it for Dr. D's signature. However, when I was looking at your GMAP, I noticed that your TPC section GPA is less than 3.3. Were you aware of this issue?



I have been a freaking bureaucrat for too long!

Happy Secretaries Day to me and all the other folks out there who do this thankless work that turns a person into an acronym-spouting PITA to the rest of the world.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Just Wanted To Say

I love you guys and Gals!

That is all

:)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Really I Dont Know How

I get talked into these things


Monday, April 14, 2008

Now I've seen it all

Pat fucking Buchanon calling Barry X condescending and elitist is just to full of irony.

Mr Pat and his non americuhn made car telling the folks of small towns how they feel.

I must say so far I haven't been happy with the new Dan Abrams Show verdict on MSNBC but he hit this one out o the park basically saying "Ah guys media created controversy here. There's no there there"

And I couldn't agree more.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

A Video for Saturday

Something about this song appeals to me. I'm not exactly sure what, though. ;)



(h/t to Angelos)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Hmm, I've Always Wondered

bedroom toys
Powered By Best Vibrators



And now I know.

(h/t to Linda)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Perhaps some sort of a talk is in order

Robin, over breakfast: I love butter so much, that if butter gave a concert I would go.

Me: What if butter sang ugly music?

Robin: I would go anyway.
And while I was getting butter's autograph, I would eat him.
Or her.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Thanks

Just wanted to say thanks for all the good thoughts for Sister2 and all the nice comments left at my place on her check up.

You guys and gals (as always) ROCK!