Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I Remember Things Or I Am A Horible Brother You Decide

It was about 4 months before Mom died.
I was on one of my many weekend jaunts down to Texas to spend time with Mom because none of us know how much time we have left.

I got in my rent a car and headed out of the airport and was going to meet my sister at a Chile's off of FM 1960 as this was on my way (albeit in a round about way) to 290 to get up to Brenham.

So there I am sucking on a very bad margarita and my sister shows up.

And we start talking about Mom and her condition and hospice and everything else.

Now at this point, while I knew in the back of my mind that I would one day get "the call" up here in Maryland I still held out hope Ma had more time. And she did about 4 months.

But as my sister and I were talking she looked me in the eye and said very matter of factly "Steven our mother is going to die.

As I thought about what she had said I became mad. And thought bad things about my sister. Why could she not think like me?

Hey ya never know? Maybe she's drinking some of that magic water that Madonna is hawking that will cure her? Anything's possible.

It wasn't until the night of my mother's death when I saw my sister with our mother that I realized that was how she protected herself.

She didn't want Mother to die but she had accepted it and when it happened that's when everything came crashing through for her.

So fast forward to today or really this weekend.

My sister was really tired. Having not been around her a lot as she tries to kick cancer's ass I was not sure if this was normal or not and just accepted it as the way it was.

So tonight my sister is in the hospital waiting for surgery tomorrow to have a stint put in her leg because of a blood clot.

This in and of itself did not alarm me yesterday.

I called her today and she told me she also had two pints of blood in a transfusion because her blood was low.

And I flashed back to Chili's and substituted the "Mom" with "Sister".

And I don't want to type or speak or acknowledge what comes next.

At some point I'm going to have to.

But for tonight it was enough to crank up the CD player in the car in hopes it would push it back in my brain a little more.

9 comments:

houstonmacbro said...

I am sorry for your loss. Having experienced dad's passing from cancer I know the pain it evokes and how important family is to help get through things.

I am wishing a speedy recovery for your sister so that you and she can share many more years together as siblings.

Be at peace.

Jennifer said...

There's no horrible brother here. You know that.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Pido my friend, You are not alone. I feel pretty sure I can speak for everyone here when I say, you and Michele are in our thoughts.

I hadn't seen this yet when I made my post this morning, but it makes it hit a little closer to home.

Hang in there friend.

Christina said...

Dude. Stop it. Kicking yourself helps no one and actually harms you, both in leaving a very sore bottom and taking energy away from where it needs to be.

So, no horrible brother stuff. It's not true and serves no purpose.

Seriously, my brother can't come a mile down the road to see us--you regularly fly halfway across the country AND gave a car to a teenager. That's an awesome brother!

As for the other, I'm sorry about Michelle. I was so hoping that her remission would give her a couple more years. Maybe it still will. She's fighting every inch of the way, that's for sure. I guess all that can be done is to enjoy today and let tomorrow take care of itself. And we'll all be here to help catch you when the time comes.

PortlyDyke said...

pido darling -- first of all -- you are no horrible brother, that is for sure (and I will add "PORTLY HATH SPOKEN!" for extra emphasis).

Second of all -- I've always thought that "denial" gets a bum rap, in some ways -- or maybe I should say: it's overdiagnosed? -- because really -- is it always "denial"? The truth is, we're all going to die someday, but today, if we're reading this, we're alive.

My experience with the deaths I've experienced in my own life is that, for me, it's better to be with them, right up to the last moment, aware and awake and in acknowledgment that they are alive, rather than to get myself all twisted up getting myself "prepared" for their death -- cuz yeah -- Ha -- as if there's any preparing for that.

I've tried it both ways, and found that neither one did anything to "protect" me, and that for me, being with them to the end in acknowledgment that they were here was better for me while they were.

Of course, I had to balance that in ways so that my hopefulness wasn't a burden and a chain on them to remain if they didn't want to -- but I don't see that happening with you in regards to Michele (and she'd probably tell you -- gravely ill people are often honest that way).

I say, be in awareness of her living self, turn up your music -- yeah, at some point you're going to have to face her passing -- but the truth is, at some point you, me, we all are going to face the passing of everyone else we know, or ourselves, whichever comes first. Today though, I'm here now, and giving you a big huge titty-wrap hug.

PortlyDyke said...

Should be "the deaths of loved ones" -- but you probably got it.

pidomon said...

thanks everyone for the support and great advice.

sometimes it just gets to be a bit much and I need to come to the Island and scream at the moon and throw a few coconuts into the ocean.

kkryno said...

Pido;

You are a good brother; and a good friend.

You scream and throw coconuts all you want! We're all here for you, man.

(hands Pido another coconut)

:[

Jennifer said...

That's what it's here for, B. That's what we're all here for.