Sunday, August 23, 2009

Lot Of Triggers This Week For Some Reason

I'm not sure what set anything off this week.
I just had some very vivid images of Michele at M.D. Anderson, non responsive, with machines beeping and binging, and never opening her eyes while I was there.

I had vivid memories of the family meeting with the doctor and making sure Michele's wishes were carried out.

I had vivid memories this week of the machines getting quieter and quieter.

It seems like yesterday that after her son and daughter said goodbye that I went in the hospital ICU room to get whatever was still in there so they didn't have to.

And for some reason the image in my head was looking at Michele, her dead body, knowing she was the best of us and had drawn the short straw,and missing her as much in that moment as I do right now.

I love you Michele. Your the best sister a brother could ever ask for.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Made A Funny At Work Today

So we had a big 90 minute meeting at work today to let us lesser workers know more about how the new warehouse software really is the best thing since sliced bread even though after 7 months there are a lot more people with gray hair now then before the new advanced warehouse system.

And a question about receiving widgets came up and my boss brought out the tired line about the two theories of receiving widgets.

Boss: There are two theories about receiving widgets
Me: Tell us. Tell us both of them.

Well I laughed anyway

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Grrr AAArrgh Or The Process Continues

And there you have it.

I find myself crying a bit more these days.

And then when that is done I am incredibly thankful for all of you.

Thanks for being there for me.

It is mucho appreciated

Monday, August 3, 2009

I Just Want To Fucking Scream

And I really don't know why. I just do want to fucking scream at everything in the entire universe.

I've never had more things that "society" considers important than I do right now.

I have a nice house. I have a new car. I have a safe (as far as I can tell) job.
I get to play golf every weekend weather permitting. I can do pretty much whatever the fuck I want to.

I have a great family and so many good phriends on the innertubes.

So why, at this point in time, do I just want to fucking scream at the sky and claim how unfair everything is?

I won life's lottery. I'm white and I have a penis. Can't do much better than that as far as starting out can ya?

Probably not unless your born rich white with a penis.

I just don't know what the fuck is going on with me right now.
I've always been able to see things clearly and adjust and adapt as needed.

Seems now I don't have that particular talent penis or not.

There are things I should be doing that I'm just not.
Like get a physical or see a dentist but I just don't fucking care. I just want to scream. Sorry, fucking scream.

I've been mired in this type of sludge before and have always gotten through it.

Just seems the the older you get the harder it gets.