Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Reason Why 51% of American Women Remain Unmarried

Keith, that's why. He personally is responsible for 51% of women remaining unmarried. Yes, it's hard to believe I know but I'm just convinced of this and I will not allow anyone to disabuse me of my certainties.

A person of some semblance of self-examination would have learned, after the Dishwasher Incident, that it does nothing good for one's ego to ignore me or be inconsiderate of me and not fix stuff because I am That Bitch(tm)--the one who will tell you and the whole world just what she thinks of your assholery.

Today's installment: He drove my car yesterday. He didn't shut the door properly and so the interior light was on all night. The Girl noticed it and told him. So, does he perhaps go and check to see if the car will start, seeing as how the jumper cables are in his car? No. He just shuts the door and goes on to work with the jumper cables and the car battery that actually starts a car. Guess what? Yeah. Today's Hero=My dad who came over at 8 am and jumped off my car so I could go to work.

After getting gas because, of course, Keith left it on E.

You know, I might not even be all that pissed if, in the last 2 months, he had:

  1. 1.chosen not to leave me with no gas in the car every time I turn key after him.
  2. 2. fixed the brakes on the Kia before they actually hit the floor since they'd been grinding for the previous 4 months.
  3. 3. put the missing piece on my car when I started complaining that the car was idling rough and tended to stall at red lights 4 months ago. I did not know a piece had been removed that caused this problem but he did.
  4. 4. tightened the power steering belt in my car when he put said piece on, as it is squealing and I tend to lose the power steering at odd times, like in the middle of turning and other inconsequential things like that.
  5. 5.Fixed the headlight that refuses to pop up now.
  6. 6.fixed the laundry room door that has been off it's hinge for a year.
  7. 7. run the water line for the icemaker I've been waiting for him to do for two years.
  8. 8. fixed the bathroom and kitchen floors that have been needing replacement tiles for about 6 months.
  9. 9. fixed our bedroom drawer that broke 8 months ago.
  10. 10. put knobs on our freaking shower and replaced the sheeting in the tub.
  11. 11. put up The Girl's shelves that she's waited on him to do for two years.
  12. 12. fixed The Boy's busted dresser drawer before it was totally beyond repair and had to be thrown out
  13. 13. taken the old lawnmower somewhere that is not my backyard.
  14. 14. raked the leaves this fall.
  15. 15. turned over the compost heap, even once.
  16. 16. and on and on and on, for 17 yrs.
All I can say is, "Ladies, he's all mine." Aren't you glad?

Monday, January 28, 2008


Am I watching this idiot of a president tonight?
Oh that's right I couldn't find the ballpeen hammer to beat myself in the ehad with instead

Poll Results

The question, which I felt challenged to ask, was simple:

Jen is a) appreciated, b) attractive or c) smart.

And the results are in!

Not unexpectedly, all three answers came in tied. Some, possibly all, respondents had a difficult time choosing only one of the three. This was not surprising.

Tune in next time, as the question will be just as silly (not that Jen's attributes are silly, but that's how... oh, never mind)

That is all.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Lessons in Bad Parenting #2 (Ongoing Series)

I dropped The Girl off at her friend's house.

She called later and of course, her number is programmed into my phone so it comes up with her name.

Keith picked up my phone, answered and said, "The number you have reached has been disconnected. If you feel you've reached this message in error, please check the number and dial again." Then, he hung up.

The Girl called a few minutes later and said, "W.T.F, Mom?"

I said, "Your dad is a jerk. You know this, child."

One day, I should tell you all about our attempt to teach her to wear PJs by setting off the fire alarm. (Didn't work. She was on to us.)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Don't Ever Leave Me (Or the Story Of Jessica)

This maybe a long story short or a short story long. Not sure.

I'm living in Ft. Worth Texas and it's a Wednesday night so what else is there to do?
Of course go to the University Pub and shoot some pool and shoot some bullshit.

There is a table of women drinking up front that I notice but hey there is a pool game going on that I need to win.

After a couple of games a young woman comes back to use the pay phone (yeah a pay phone a machine you put money in and could communicate with someone else).

The person she was calling (I later found out some guy who hit on her) was not home.
As she hangs up the phone and walks past the pool table I blurt out "Hey you could talk to me for free"

As she had been drinking for awhile she thought this was a cute line and we struck up a conversation.

Three days later (because I could never remember the rules as how many days should pass before you call) I call and say "How about dinner?"

Our first date was October 22nd. 2 days before mine and her birthdays

Fast forward past all the awkwardness of getting to know each other, each others families, and forging a relationship.

My job takes me to Houston. That worked great for me as my family was there and after bickering about salary I decide I will move to Houston.

While Jessica and I had played with the idea of living in sin we did not do it mainly because her Dad had a problem with that and since he was paying for her apartment and car we never did.

And then out of nowhere Jessica says "I want to move to Houston with you"
And her Dad helped us pack the U-Haul.

ZOMG I'm like an adult or something with a live in girlfriend and a warehouse to run.

So we move to Houston. And by the ceiling cat it was great. Mom Dad Sister2 and her kids are there as are friends from college. What more could I want?

So after 6 months I go back to my employer and say "Hey i settled for a grand less in salary and you said if I performed you'd bonus me out a thousand bucks"

And so they did.

So I have a thousand bucks, Jessica and i have been together for 3 years now and, well it was the TV or the ring.

Sister2 guided me through the whole diamond buying experience because gawd knows I had no idea what I was doing.

And I ask Jessica to marry me.
And she says yes.

That night as we are laying in bed I looked at her and asked "Please don't ever leave me"

And her reply was "I won't"

Fast forward many years and well since I wasn't in REDACTED NC without a wife we know how that turned out.

But you know what? She didn't lie to me. She's never left me.

Have seen her once or twice when I'm home in Ft. Worth and while it's like ripping the bandage off I wish her the best.

I loved her. She loved me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Another Reason To Drink

Happy Australia Day Everyone

The shrimp is on the barbie and the Fosters is cold

Lesson #1 in Bad Parenting (Ongoing Series)

Joe at After-School told The Boy that if you turn off the bathroom light and say "It" three times in the mirror, It will come out and get you.

Here at the Smith-Farmer house, we don't cotton to superstition (Keith's love of Supernatural and Ghost Hunters notwithstanding) so Keith took The Boy into the bathroom, shut the door and said, "It, it, it. See, boy? Nothing got us."

Which is when The Girl, being a child of mine, came by and banged the heck out of the bathroom door.

Keith screamed. The Boy lit out of there like his pants were on fire.

And me? I laughed my ass off. Bad mom. Bad, bad, bad mom.

Worry not! I shall pay for my twisted sense of humor since now The Boy is afraid of the bathroom and I have to stand outside the door while he uses it. I really hope he's over it by the time he hits puberty.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Class, please use the phrase "a lot" in a sentence

Eight people is "a lot" to have in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom house. Good thing we're all nice.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Your Weather Report

Skating party!! My front lawn, about 3 tomorrow.



Feels Like


Feels Like


Feels Like


Feels Like


Feels Like


Feels Like
Day Night

Light Rain / Sleet


Wind: SSE 8 mph
Max. Humidity: 70%
UV Index: 2 Low

Sunrise: 7:27 AM CT
Avg. High: 55°F
Record High: 84°F (1952)

Partly Cloudy
Overnight Low


Wind: SSW 8 mph
Max. Humidity: 83%
Sunset: 5:54 PM CT
Avg. Low: 34°F
Record Low: 12°F (1940)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

You Know What

I'm really liking the Dan Abrams show on MSNBC after Olbermann.

That is all

Sunday, January 20, 2008


Talking to much Animal House this weekend

So here are some short clips.

Bonus points if you can name the singer whose guitar Belushi smashes

Good Morning America, How Are Ya?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

Actually, it's Christina and I'm a big ol' goof. And since it's now 2 am, I'm goofier than usual. The Misphits have seen fit to invite me to contribute here in order to establish the female quorum. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Let us pray

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Please extend your noodley appendage to this woman so she may use her power for good (for a change). May she please stop using random quotes. If she will not stop, please send your filthy English Ka-niggits. That is all. RAmen.

Stop! Stop! This is silly. I apologize for that last bit. Move along, nothing to see here.

(Thanks all for inviting me. You RAWK!)

Monday, January 14, 2008

I Can Haz Treatz!!!

Well Jen, you are now the darling of the community, as your package arrived today, right before dinner.
In this pictures, Charles (our gourmet chef), signals his approval. As soon as we open the coffee, I'll send a picture of everyone enjoying it.

Thank you, you generous, sweet, misphit, you. *she said, with her mouth full of chocolate.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Chocolate covered

You know what doesn't suck?

Casting about the kitchen trying to figure out what *else* you can coat in chocolate.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

OK I'm Unhappy With Myself This Evening

I've worked really hard over the last 10-12 years to leave the obnoxious Pido of my early days in the past.

No details but I could be one SOB in the 80's and early 90's.

I'm not sure what triggered the time warp tonight. Probably a few beers and a few shots.

Started out the evening with BFF JW (we've known each other since 1981) and had a beer or two. That conversation is a post for a different night (but needless to say I had more dimes in the shot glass at the end of the pool table than he did)

So I leave the Stone of Blue and go to the House of Trees and to check on CB who had some (ahem) over 50 tests done yesterday. I wanted to see how things went (as soon I too will have a camera shoved up my ass) and just to say Hi.

Well I walk in and CB and EB are playing darts. Thats fine. Then I played darts.

Which is also fine except I turned into this raging asshole.
Yeah I won the games and these guys are my phriends but it was like stepping outside of myself going "Why are you beating your chest because you won a stupid dart game?"

Instead if saying "Hey I'm here with some good phriends who cares who wins?"

I've tried really hard not to be that "guy" anymore.

Except I slipped back into it.

And I hate that.

The guy I was in my 20's. He is lucky to still have good friends and family.

Sometimes it seems I fight not to turn back into that guy.

Monday, January 7, 2008

A Brief Messaage From The Secret Lair Kittehs

Don't make us come over there and smack you, silly monkey!

Or, as you humans would have us say....

We can haz maskot dooty 2!

Here I Iz!

Thanks for inviting me, you misphits, you. I make no promises about my blog-itude. I may be cross-posting, or infrequent, but I'm honored to be amongst you.

Guess I'll have to tell pido my real name, too. Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy 2008 Everyone

From Dutch the Lucky Monkey!