Monday, July 20, 2009

Not The Post I Thought I Was Typing

Damn me and my short attention span!
The original post was meant to be how stupid I am because I had a pack of cigarettes with three cigs left in them and then and couldn't find them and then I heard the washing machine and went "HMMMMMMMMM"
Sure enough plastic, cardboard, and tobacco all through my laundry.

Instead as I cleaned wet tobacco out of my clothes and started packing for my upcoming trip to San Diego my thoughts turned to Mom and one of my many trips back to Texas while she was still in this physical world.

My trips to Texas fall into three categories.

Quick trip to Brenham to see family.
Quick trip to Ft. Worth to pretend I'm still 20 and a Junior at TCU.
And the special bonus "Tour of Texas Trip" where i travel from Houston to Brenham to Ft. Worth and back again and come back to Baltimore.

On one of my "Tour" trips I came back to Brenham the day before I went back to the Houston Airport and spent some time with Mom and Dad.

Being a Momma's boy Ma asked me if I had any laundry that she could do.

As the woman was dieing of cancer, not even in my most selfish stage could I let her do my laundry for me.

I thought I had the perfect out.

"Ma", I said, "I'd hate for you to do my laundry and it be wrinkled when I got home"

(And yes I know I've written this before but aint that the beauty of blogs? Write it again!)

My 67 year old, dear loving Mother, who I love with all my heart gave me a look that would have melted steel.
"Steven", she said, "I can do laundry and pack it so it does not wrinkle!

And once again I realized how lucky I am to have such a great Mom.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Forces Of Nature And Other Things You Can Not Avoid

It's still odd, even going through it after Ma died, how the smallest things can be a trigger or you start crying and then laughing and can't figure out what started it at all.

At the oddest times it just hits.
I'll never physically hug my sister again.
I'll never talk to her on the phone again.
Then a moment from years ago that just makes me laugh.
(If I haven't told you about the date when I was a senior in high school[legal drinking age for me and my date] and Michele and her friend made us dinner and gave us non alcoholic wine and I acted all drunk remind me not too!)
And on the flip side years to come where she won't be there in the flesh at whatever holidays we gather for.

Grief and grieving is a process. I know that and all of you have helped me through this before. Thank you for that.

But the force when it just hits still amazes me.

I love and miss you Michele.

And I'm pretty sure we'll start talking like me and Mom do.

I can still hear you saying to Mom when she would ask "B do you want a sandwich?"
And you would say "He can do it himself".
And it would drive you nuts because I took advantage as if I could not make my own damn sandwich (and I only did it because I knew it annoyed you!)

I miss you every day Michele but for some reason the tidal wave hit today.

And I am proud to sit here and cry and laugh while I remember you.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Friday, July 3, 2009

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Maybe Or Maybe Not

Maybe I'll happy. Or maybe not.
Maybe I'll shoot 89 tomorrow or maybe not.
Maybe I'll live to be 103 like Grandma. Or maybe not.
Maybe I will die at 49 like Michele. Or maybe not
Maybe I will compromise one day. Or maybe not.
Maybe I'll not miss my misspent youth. Or maybe not.
Maybe I'll let NonCat in the house again fleas and all. Or maybe not.
Maybe I will discover time travel. Or maybe not.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to reconcile the 24 year old and the 47 year old and realize one is just an extension of the other. And vice versa.

Or maybe not.

Maybe you'll stay tuned to see how it all turns out!